Things I May Not Do in Nikita
by asymmetricalreapertrash
Summary: Whether you're infiltrating Division or outside with Nikita, the life of a spy can be way too serious sometimes. And there are just some things you shouldn't do. Takes place in early Season 1.


1) I will not call Nikita 007.

2) I will stop calling Division Addition, Subtraction, or Multiplication.

3) I will not call Alex Alex Rider. Her  
surname is Udinov and I must deal with that.

4) I will not publish a book called "Division: What the Government Isn't Telling You."

5) Especially not under Michael's name

6) Whenever we do an epic escape against all the odds from Division, I will not say they got trolled.

7) And I will DEFINITELY not start singing "They see me trolling...they hating..."

8) Should I happen to see some senior agents walking around HQ, I will not sing the "Men in Black" theme song.

9) And I will not ask if they have a neuralizer.

10) I will not complain about how Division never says "Your mission, should you decide to accept it..." And doesn't really give me much choice in the matter.

11) There are plenty of aliases that are acceptable for me to use. J. R. R. Tolkien , Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, and Kate Middleton are not on that list.

12) Percy is not Sauron.

13) Or Lex Luthor

14) Or Magneto

15) I will not send rings to nine senior Division agents, with the return address "Nikita" despite how funny I may find it.

16) I will not hire a psychologist to diagnose anyone in Division as having "Nikita-phobia"

17) Despite the fact that most Division agents do.

18) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life," to Percy.

19) Or Amanda.

20) Or anybody else for that matter.

21) I will not declare a "Hug A Division Agent" day.

22) Despite the fact that I feel Nikita needs an excuse to hug Michael.

23) I will not outfit cleaners going on a mission with brooms, mops and vacuums.

24) Turns out, most of 'em can kill somebody with a broom, mop or vacuum. Go figure.

25) I will not spread a rumor around Division that Percy is a closet Brony.

26) Division does not need a "This Many Days Since You Almost Caught Nikita But She Kicked Your Ass Instead" sign.

27) Nikita is not Sydney Bristow.

28) I will not set up online dating profiles for anyone.

29) And I will not make it so Nikita's and Michael's interests line up exactly.

30) And I will not constantly tease Amanda about how nobody wanted to go out with her.

31) And I will not tease Percy about that either.

32) I will not play "Never Underestimate A Girl" whenever Nikita is around.

33) Or Alex

34) Or Amanda

35) Or Michael.

36) Wallpapering Nikita's safe house with Justin Bieber and One Direction posters is not wise.

37) Should I ever mention the word Mikita again, I will be shot.

38) On Halloween, I cannot walk into Division and demand candy.

39) No Ding Dong Ditching Division

40) I may not offer a reward to anyone who can say that five times fast.

41) I may not ask "How do you keep a spy in suspense?" And walk away

42) No more "Why did the assassin cross the road?" jokes.

43) Nobody wants to hear what happened on Downton Abbey yesterday

44) I will not tell any of the recruits that aliens are invading.

45) I cannot declare war on anyone, as I do not have an army.

46) I am not allowed to get an army.

47) I will not sing "Barbie Girl" in the middle of Division.

48) I will not ask Amanda if she inspired P!nk to write Stupid Girls

49) I will not ask Percy if he has daddy/mommy issues and if that is why he's so evil

50) Or Amanda

51) Or Jaden

52) Or anyone else for that matter

53) Just because many Division agents wear black leather catsuits does not give me the right to call any of them 'Catwoman'

54) Or 'Black Widow'

55) Or 'Hell's Angel's Wannabes'

56) Bribing a group of recruits to start a food fight at meal time will not get me any brownie points with anybody

57) Especially because someone threw a literal brownie in Michael's face.

58) I will stop bribing recruits with brownies to do favors for me.

60) Not being allowed to bribe them with brownies does not mean I can bribe them with cupcakes.

61) Or Skittles.

62) Turns out, some of them can be incredibly weird when on a sugar high.

63) And recruits running around with assault rifles yelling "TASTE THE RAINBOW!" Is the last thing anyone wants.

64) Despite how damn entertaining it was

65) I will stop bribing any and all recruits with junk food of any kind.

66) I will stop bribing field agents with junk food of any kind.

67) I am banned from purchasing any kind of junk food ever again

68) Damn it, now what do I live on? Division food sucks.

69) Despite how funny I find this rule, I will stop dancing around yelling about how I got to rule 69.

70) No replacing all Division weapons with Nerf guns.

71) YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, THEY CAN ACTUALLY KILL SOMEBODY WITH A NERF GUN?!

72) Division does not need a hot tub.

73) I am not a licensed doctor, therefore I cannot diagnose people as pregnant.

74) In my defense, the fact that Jaden thought I was serious should probably mean something.

75) I will not start a Revenge of the Mary Sues, Revolution of the Mary Sues, Even More Mary Sues, What a Surprise More Mary Sues, or anything involving Mary Sues.

76) Doing any and all of the above, the only difference being I substituted Gary Stus for Mary Sues is also prohibited.

77) "Guess How Old Amanda is" is never to be played at Division again.

78) And I am not allowed to guess 98, 712.

79) And I cannot tell Amanda that I decided to guess lower then I normally would have, to be nice.

80) Not sure if you knew this or not, but she really doesn't understand much about being nice.

81) Replacing anyone's shampoo with lime green hair dye is not wise

82) I will cease and desist answering all questions put to me with "Colonel Mustard did it in the kitchen with the candlestick"

83) Singing "Gangnam Style" is no longer permitted

84) I cannot sing "Friday" by Rebecca Black

85) Especially if it's Tuesday at the time.

86) No matter what day of the week it is, I may not sing "Friday."

87) I will not suggest that we lock Alex and Jaden in a room together and take bets on which one would come out alive

88) As everyone knows I would do something like give Alex an assault rifle and Jaden a Nerf gun

89) No, Division will not leave the Dark Mark over the homes of any of their victims, and I must stop requesting that we do so.

90) Despite what Star Wars tells me, Percy is not Nikita's father

91) Although it was very funny to see his face when I suggested that.

92) I must stop writing all my mission reports in Elizabethan English.

93) Attack Plan B is not automatically twice the amount of guns that Attack Plan A had.

94) I cannot dye Michael's hair pink, even if I think he would look really cool as an anime character

95) When Michael is on another of his "Capture/Kill Nikita" missions, I should not give the agents he takes with him on said mission red shirts, telling them that they are some kind of standard uniform

96) It is a bad idea to tell Michael he takes himself too seriously.

97) Or Percy

98) Or Amanda

99) Or anybody else for that matter

100) I may not, under any circumstances, post this list online.


End file.
